Inspirational Montage of the Day

March 4, 2009: “Never”, Footloose

You may say, “This isn’t a montage - it’s a straightforward dance sequence.” To which I say, “get your own tumblr, dick.”

Welcome to the angriest solo dance montage ever.  Kevin Bacon, dripping in sweat, crackling with six degrees of Teen Angst. The Purple Rain-esque Family Trouble Flashbacks. The raw intensity. LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FLOOR, BROTHER BACON.

Just think of how much better the world could be if everyone had a big empty warehouse space in which to dance whenever we’re frustrated. Fuck a laptop, or health insurance - we need One Angry-Dancing Warehouse Space Per Child. There’s a Millenial Development Goal I can get behind.

Tuesday, March 3rd: “Winner Takes It All”, Over The Top

This “competition” montage, from Sly Stallone’s plasticine peak years, features one of the motleyest fucking casts of extras I’ve seen this side of the first three Police Academy films. Seriously, these are kind of guys who have P.O. box addresses on their drivers licenses and spend Friday nights sitting in their trucks, picking fights on the CB.  Where did they find them? Working the warehouse in a mail-order ‘sports medicine’ concern? Picking between anti-Chevy T-shirts in the rest stop gift store? Venice?

It’s tragic, man. If Youtube backyard wrestling had been available when these guys were kids, they might have been discovered for real and could be sipping Mai Tais and Vicodin with Vince McMahon instead of sweating in some meth dealer’s living room in Poway.

Monday, March 2: “Win In The End”, Teen Wolf

We’ve all been there before. It’s The Big Game. You’re about to be tested like never before. Your team is counting on you; your friends, family, and neighbors are watching; as are your Women.

Thing is, you’ve got a special edge. Using that advantage will definitely win you the game - but it may lose you your soul.

We’ve all been there. What do you do? Do you use your newfound, mysterious powers of lycanthropy to shame the popular girl’s meathead boyfriend and lay the foundations of an athletic legacy that will last at least until your 3rd sophomore year at community college?  Or do you buckle down with the pasty, sweaty, pre-pubescent body God gave you and play for dignity, integrity, and self-respect?

We all know what Scott Howard chose. What about you?

February 27th: “We Are Not Alone”, The Breakfast Club

In one of the most well-known 80’s movie montages of all time, the Brain, Athlete, Princess, Basket Case, and Criminal share a very special dancing/bonding moment.

This clip not only shows the full power of goofy montages to unite (white) people from all walks of life; it also changed the way white people dance forever, by giving us a little step we like to call “The Molly Ringwald.”  Bonus points as well for Bender representing Hessian Aggression to the max.

Thursday February 26th: “Rock Until You Drop”, The Monster Squad

This selection comes from a true cult classic.  Best described as “Goonies Meets Lost Boys On A Budget” (with a healthy # of plot points lifted from Stephen King’s It), this film had the misfortune of going directly up against the latter’s theatrical release in the summer of ‘87.  As many films like this do, it got a new life in syndication & cable, and after an unconscionably long wait, finally became available to new generations on DVD about 20 years after opening. (Christ, I feel old.)

Anyway, this is the scene where the team of inept children - led by Bootleg Sean Astin and Ponyboy II: Electric Boogaloo - equip themselves for the battle of their lives against poor special effects Canonical Monsters of Yore.  More accurately, Ponyboy II flashes his shop class skills (fabricating .38 shells? really?) while the others piss away time doing things like printing out business cards, writing letters to the Army, and in the case of “Frankenstein” (the inimitably talented tall character actor Tom Noonan, fresh of his stint at the 1st movie Hannibal Lecter), exploring drag.

A fitting start to what will hopefully long tradition -the “Number One” montage from Real Genius.

A classic “gettin’ down to work” montage with great personal significance, this is the point in the film where the Pacific Tech nerds dedicate themselves to spiting their Asshole Professor (played as always by William Atherton), who also happens to be quietly selling their work to the USG for space-based Death Ray programs.

In addition to the overall techie vibe, the anti-militaristic stance, and the underrated comedic stylings of Val Kilmer, this film is one of my favorites because it showed me at a critical age that being a smart kid doesn’t doom you to a life of relentless studying and sexual frustration.  It was the first voice in my life that said you can use your intelligence the way you see fit - you are not obligated to use it to satisfy your parents, some educational institution, a corporation, a government, etc.  Be smart, be creative, be yourself.

Just ALWAYS check the optics.